meet frank..
your friendly neighborhood.. uh.. giant? ​
frank #1179
loves beans
owns a pigeon
is 2.14159m tall
gets confused by humans
tries his very best
no, franks are not hotdogs
franks are a species, just like humans.
but.. what is a frank?
Researchers and archaeologists have been asking themselves this very question for centuries now.
The truth is, no one really knows. Based on The Crater Theory, Franks are alien species with special abilities and supercharged farts but that is all based off a theory.
Based on visuals and similarities to Earth's species alone, Franks are part eagle, part duck and have very similar personalities to capybaras. They do also share some of their DNA with ostriches, raccoons and giraffes.
how long are franks?
Due to the unique genetic structure of Franks — and the questionable accuracy of early fossil measurements — scientists believe that ancient Franks were capable of reaching heights of up to roughly 180 meters. Over the centuries, however, Frank evolution has taken an unexpected turn. Modern Franks have only grown to a tiny fraction of their former capability, leaving the current average height at 2.5 meters.
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This dramatic shrinkage has puzzled researchers for decades. It is theorized that Franks have evolved to live amongst humankind.
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The record for the tallest Frank ever discovered is an astonishing 372 meters, while the shortest confirmed Frank stands at 25 centimeters. This results in a height difference of 371 meters and 75 centimeters between the two known extremes. Researchers have no explanation for this. They simply accept it.
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Due to the gradual decrease in Frank height over generations, scientists believe that there once existed a subspecies of Frank (above 165 meters) that carried the now-extinct "Omega Tall" gene. These giants are thought to be direct descendants of the legendary Longest Frank in the Whole Wide World. As the gene disappeared, Frank-kind entered what historians refer to as the “Shortening Era.”
how heavy are franks?
The weight of a Frank has long been considered one of the most inconsistent biological variables ever recorded. Despite their towering appearance, Franks are known to be significantly lighter than they look — an evolutionary trait scientists still cannot explain, mostly because it makes no sense.
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Due to their ability to range from just a few centimeters to hundreds of meters in height, establishing an “average weight” has proven nearly impossible. Two Franks of the same height have been observed to weigh drastically different amounts for no logical reason whatsoever.
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In 1983, the Shlong Foundation conducted the largest Frank weight survey ever attempted, gathering data from 16,532 individual Franks. The study concluded three things:
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Franks are lighter than expected.
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Franks are heavier than expected.
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The numbers do not add up and probably never will.
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The current world record for the heaviest Frank belongs to a 12-meter-tall individual weighing 91,385 kilograms, a discovery that confused the scientific community so severely that the official report simply ended with the word “why.”
Further research is ongoing, but progress is slow due to the difficulty of asking Franks to stand still on a scale.
aaaaAAAaaAaahHhHhhHh
(if you see frank's ass anywhere please report it immediately)